The vitriolic atmosphere surrounding the UKs withdrawal from the EU continues to accelerate with numerous attempts to undermine and even overturn the referendum result, especially from that poison dwarf Speaker Bercow, as well as clamours to alter the franchise and prevent people over 65 years of age from voting forwarded by the despicable Polly Toynbee of The Guardian. But what I find quite laughable, pathetic, and at worst incompetent is the bleating from large corporations that they want more information and that they “aren’t ready for the cliff edge”. Pardon me for a minute while I laugh my socks off at this pack of lies for a minute or two!
There, that’s better!
I was a director on the main board of three very large companies in the financial services industry across the 1990s, turbulent times as the threat of changing regulatory rules meant massive changes to products being sold, sales process, administration procedures, even liabilities of directors. Quite scary for about 5-6 years, but we floated through it all using a complex but well known technique called …………… Scenario Planning! You know the sort of thing, map out a series of potential likely happenings (scenarios), then expand each scenario in terms of the risk from it happening, the likelihood of it happening, the threats if it did happen, actions to take to mitigate those threats …… sorry if you already know all this but it appears that the CEOs of large UK corporations have never heard of it. Bloody liars! You mean to tell me that since June 2016 none of these numpties have set up whole departments to work this out? Liars or bloody incompetents!
Well, you can’t catch me out so a couple of days ago I consolidated our own Scenario Plans based on the risks we are told are “possible” or even “likely” if you listen to Tony Blair, the BBC, the SNP, Hilary Benn, Dominic Grieve, half the Cabinet, and half of Parliament. Here we go:
Scenario 1: Food shortages
Although unlikely this is a moderate risk in the short term mostly due to bureaucratic elements. We have therefore gone back to our roots so to speak of “The Good Life”, dug up the lawn, ripped out flower beds, purchased a greenhouse and begun seed propagation of vegetables. Living in the countryside we have a plentiful supply of rabbits and pheasants so have bought several packs of snares and applied for a shotgun licence. We have also negotiated a deal with a neighbour who has several chickens with 12 eggs being equivalent to one rabbit or one pheasant. We already bake our own bread and have stocked up with flour as well as several sacks of rice to underpin Dr Cs rabbit curries for about 2 years.
Scenario 2: Planes unable to land
President Micron of France keeps insisting on this despite the air traffic regulations being nothing to do with the EU. Plonker! However from a personal holiday viewpoint we couldn’t give a shit, plenty of lovely places in England to travel to.
Scenario 3: Medicine shortages
Risk high but likelihood minimal. However we have already sent a complete list of our medications needs to Dr Cs brother who is a qualified pharmacist and was the head of the Nepal Drugs Corporation. He has confirmed that everything can be sourced from himself though the problem arises of flying the stuff to us if Microns threat becomes reality of no planes landing. Shipping is a reasonable option though I have yet to work out how to achieve this without massive expense since Nepal is a landlocked country 😂😂 But I know plenty of Sherpa who can facilitate overland porterage.
Scenario 4: Financial implosion of Sterling and stocks
This is high risk and high likelihood mostly because of those bloody bankers who will see opportunities for selling stocks quickly and in high volume to deflate price, then sitting out a period when stocks will rise as UK prosperity outgrows that of Germany, France etc. We have therefore taken steps to liquidate into cash the £1.2 million we have in stocks and bonds, convert that into gold bullion and spread them around 12 separate safety deposit boxes in secure locations. Our reasoning is that stocks will take a bigger medium term hit than sterling but that gold is the safest option. Existing cash in current and savings accounts has been withdrawn and is under the bed!
Scenario 5: A Labour government
This is a high risk but only likely if disenchanted older previous Conservative voters decide some revenge on the younger generation would be sweet! I’m in that camp and have firstly decided to vote Labour in the next general election, the snowflakes can then experience what real devastation from a leftist government led by a numpty Marxist feels like. Personally, once we’ve achieved this we move out to Kathmandu where we have a long lease on a luxury apartment in the Naxal district, plenty of family, and very cheap living where just one of our gold bars should keep us going for a decade. If anyone wants to buy a 6 bedroom house in the Cotswolds please contact us direct.
So, having completed over a weekend what big business has had 3 years to work on, we’re just sitting tight now and enjoying the comedy show. Pass the popcorn dear!